And it's only Tuesday.

(I'm going to go ahead and say that this is probably going to be depressing, and so I suppose you don't really have to read it.

I just really have to say it.)


I hate this week. I really do.

It started with me being plagued by disturbing dreams.

Then, for the last few days I've been feeling really fat. I know I'm not actually fat, I just *feel* fat. Like none of my clothes fit right.

And I hate diets. I really really hate diets. And everybody knows that the whole time from Halloween to New Years is the worst possible time to go on a diet.

And now it looks like my birthday is going to suck.

My birthday is on a Friday this year. My friends and I always go out on Friday nights. And another friend and I had planned to go see a movie earlier in the day. And I never work on Fridays.

But this week? On my birthday, of all days? I have to work. And one of my friends who I always go out with told me yesterday that she and some other friends are going out of town on Friday (I think for a dance competition, though at this point I can't say I honestly give a shit where or why they're going). And then today my friend who I was going to see the movie with, the one thing that I was still looking forward to, bailed on me too.

Now, her, I don't blame. It's not her fault that her family decided to celebrate her grandmother's birthday on Friday instead of whenever it actually is, or that her family needs her because her because today her mom (crazy tyrannical bitch that she is) was also diagnosed with cancer. It's not her fault.

But DAMMIT! I'm angry.

And I'm hurt.

and I'm angry at myself for being angry because I know it's not Tiffany's fault and her problem is so much worse than mine, and that makes me feel so selfish.

And I hate myself for being so selfish.

but I am. At least I feel like I am. Because even though I know it's not Tiffany's fault, it doesn't stop her bailing from being the last straw that makes everything else hurt so much more. Because all I wanted for my birthday this year was just to enjoy it with my friends. Because it's been forever since I really got to do that because it always fell so close to finals. But now I don't get it. And here I am.

And i hate that it hurts this much. It shouldn't be such a big deal.

But it does hurt.

And it is a big deal.

And I don't know why.

And I can't even rant about it on facebook or some other such place like I can here, because then they would know how much they hurt me and I can't bear that thought.

and I don't know why.

And it's only tuesday. And I still have the rest of the week to get through. And it's going to be horrible. I just know it is.


Oh God, I feel pathetic.









"I have no need for friendship.
Friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island.
...and a rock feels no pain,
and an island never cries."